I Broke up with My Church, What's Next?

This year my new church will celebrate its third anniversary. My new church is being constructed in divine order. The foundation of this church is marriage. Beginning with the pastor and first lady and streaming to the membership, the union of husband and wife is at the core of this church. I call this a divine order because marriage exemplifies the relationship God has with His church body (Ephesians 5:21-32). We are His bride and if our own marriages can exemplify the holy and blameless relationship God desires with His people, then the foundations of the church will be rooted and blessed.

But two years ago, I would have been telling you a different story because the beginnings of my church hurt came out of a broken union.

I left my original church home two years ago. The enemy’s attacks on the first marriage in this church brought pain to the church body. With the aftermath of the marital breakdown I was upset with the direction the church was going. With God’s guidance and approval, I decided to leave my church home. It was not a happy time. I wasn't sure if I broke up with the church or if the church broke up with me, but either way we were not together anymore. Unfortunately, I was clueless to the unseen affects leaving a place with “church hurt” was about to have in my life and the lives of my friends.

If you are dealing with church hurt, whether you decided to stay or leave, there are some unforeseen consequences that you need to be made aware of, but with some guidance and support from God you can heal and forgive. Here are some of the issues I dealt with:

1. Lack of desire to go to church

When a pastor or church members hurt you, you may have a hard time wanting to ever be a part of a church body again. In fact, the first hurdle after leaving a place of worship because of “church hurt” is the loss of desire to even attend church. It sneaks up on you. You may plan to visit a church on Sunday, but you suddenly have easy excuses not to go. “It’s raining.” “It’s too cold.” “It’s too hot.” “It’s too far.” “I woke up too late.” You rationalize yourself into not attending.

The inevitable result of staying away from the physical house of God is growing a cold heart toward church, God’s people, and sooner or later, God Himself. (Proverbs 18:1)

Sometimes we have to do things even when our hearts aren’t feeling it. Often, when you are looking for a new church by yourself it’s hard to get up and go without accountability. So my friends and I made ourselves responsible for each other. We partnered up to visit churches together. There was no pressure to join the same church, but in pairs we supported each other on our new journeys.

2. Absence of passion to serve in church

Even once you find a place that you want to be in, you may find yourself with a loss of passion to serve the church body. Your immediate stance becomes “I don’t want to get involved.” This occurs because of fear -- the fear that once you get too involved and start to know people they will let you down the way your previous church did. This is one of the devastating effects of “church hurt”.

It took me 2 years to have a desire to serve in church again. I could have gotten there faster if I had actually noticed the detrimental effects of not serving.

God calls us to serve (Ephesians 2:10). When you feel a loss of passion you must pray (Psalm 50:15). You must pray for God to build up that desire within you. Ask him to search your heart of all things that are not of Him and mend your broken heart so that a love of serving God’s people comes before the love of being loved by God’s people. Serving with unconditional love decides that no matter who these people are or what they have done, I will give unto them as the Lord gives unto me. “Work with enthusiasm, as though you were working for the Lord, rather than for people”. (Ephesians 6:7)

3. Separation from believers and friends

At times you may feel distant and separated from the old church friends you loved. Sometimes you purposefully want to separate yourself from them to remove all remembrances of that hurtful past and start fresh.

However, the result of disconnecting from fellowship with believers is loneliness. Without their accountability you may fall into old habits from your past. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-10)

Quite swiftly after leaving your previous church home you need to get connected with a body of Christian friends. I was blessed to have a friend that decided to start weekly Bible studies in his home. He contacted everyone who was without a church home and invited them over. The meeting started as a way to talk about our “church hurt” in a safe environment. Over time we began leading ourselves in studying scripture. The members of this small Bible Study attend different churches, but we continue to come together once a week in fellowship. Without this group, many of us may have left the body of Christ.

Breaking up with a church is devastating, and we take for granted the many unseen affects it has on us whether we decide to leave or stay. Regardless, we must remember that all things work together for the good, and in the midst of these storms God is looking for our faith so that He can receive the glory. What I learned through this journey is that you will not get over your church hurt until you have a pure heart of forgiveness for the church body. When we forgive those who hurt us we are able to see how God's present love was with the church all along. We learn that a church, any church, is a place of broken people seeking God to fix them. God works best in the midst of brokenness and no matter what church you join there will always be broken areas for God to attend to. Therefore, make the decision to forgive your church and its people from the beginning in the same way God forgives you.